|
| march 31 |
|
I said
that I wanted
to be with you...
but, more than this,
I simply
don't want to be
without you
xoxo,
gee
| march 30 |
|
hope... hope... hope.
"Hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all." (-Emily Dickenson)
xoxo,
gee
| march 29 |
|
hando,
for chillin' with me,
for talking with me,
for making me laugh
again and again,
for helping me to remember
all that is important
and essential
and precious,
I simply want to
thank your crazy ass
(fyi - chico loves you)
xoxo,
gee
| march 26 |
|
my god, my goddess...
p l e a s e
h
e
l
p
m
e
g
e
t
t
h
r
o
u
g
h
t
h
i
s
xoxo,
gee
| march 25 |
|
this is going to get worse
before it gets better, they say
no shit, I say
xoxo,
gee
| march 24 |
|
it's so easy for me
to forget
that I am living with
a "chronic, autoimmune disorder"
even though we've been partners
in this for twenty years
it's so easy for me to ignore
the little aches and pains
here and there
after dealing with
so many bigger aches and pains,
here and there...
it's so easy for me
to not think about
how sick I have been
or could become again
when I simply feel
so
damn
good
but, there are times,
like now,
when it stops me
in my tracks, with a loud
"hey, remember me...?"
and suddenly,
whether I want to or not,
whether it's convenient or not,
whether I have the energy or will
or not,
I have to acknowledge it, and say
"yeah, I remember you..."
it's funny, but
they try to remind me that I have
a "compromised immunity"
when I feel absolutely healthy
and then,
they try to remind me
how incredibly strong I am
when I'm exhausted, weak, and ill
I just don't know what to believe
anymore...
xoxo,
gee
| march 23 |
|
uuugh.
uuuuuuugh.
uuuuuuuuugh.
holy fuck,
this really sucks.
xoxo,
gee
| march 21 |
|
the bright side
of becoming ill again...
most of the specialists
I am scheduled to see
are located
in the cities, north and south
of me
how I love
the cities...
xoxo,
gee
| march 20 |
|
wp, where are you
now?
I imagine you're terribly busy these days
rubbing elbows and charming the pants off
the who's-who of the who's-who,
shmoozing on the steps of capitol hill
in your black speedo with your tie on,
flashing around your photographs
of ridiculously large albatrosses, all while
secretly wishing I was still somehow
your partner in crime,
playfully, intentionally caught in a revolving door somewhere with you
in the belly
of Manhattan, perhaps...
Perhaps.
xoxo,
gee
| march 20 |
|
I'm right here,
my love
when you're ready,
just turn that corner
and come up
I'm right here
whispering to you,
"welcome home, baby..."
xoxo,
gee
| march 19 |
|
yeah.
believe,
dammit
got
that?
ok.
good.
now,
have a nice day.
xoxo,
gee
| march 18 |
|
favorite "Family Guy" quote #31
Lois:
Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter:
Yeah, climb any mountain,
rent any video,
dial any phone.
And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones!
Decent phones,
God-fearing phones,
phones that everybody else gave up on,
but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian:
What the HELL are you talking about???
xoxo,
gee
| march 17 |
|
Do you know
that I can
wiggle a hula hoop
like a teenager?
I pay no attention
to my age
funny, but it seems
to pay no attention
to me, either
xoxo,
gee
| march 16 |
|
my dearest hando,
cupcakes
cup
cakes
c
u
p
c
a
k
e
s
missing you...
with love,
with cupcakes...
chico
xoxo,
gee
| march 15 |
|
I want to meet
Marilyn Manson
for lunch
one day
and share
a brownie sundae
with extra hot fudge
for dessert
xoxo,
gee
| march 14 |
|
ohhh, my love
look
what
you've
done
to
me
xoxo,
gee
| march 12 |
|
r
e
s
t
your
head,
and
d
r
i
f
t
with
me
then, on the
count of three,
we can
let go, together and
let the river
c
a
r
r
y
us
one... two...
xoxo,
gee
| march 11 |
|
Will you walk with me awhile?
I don't often choose
the most reasonable way,
the most direct route,
the most accessible road, or
the path with the prettiest views
I tend to accelerate
without explanation,
slow down
for no apparent reason,
make room
for those seeking to pass,
and stop
to allow others out in front of me
I have been known
to unpredictably
overheat,
run out of fuel,
and
completely
break
down
and
in moments
most inconvenient
and inappropriate,
I often have
the urge
to just run
in circles
but, rarely do I
ask for,
follow,
or give directions
in fact,
I smile when I'm lost
I'm as much
a warrior
as I am
a tramp...
a peaceful sojourner,
a colorful companion
so, please hold my hand
for a moment, my dear one...
will you walk with me awhile?
xoxo,
gee
| march 9 |
|
a-ha!!!
(*gasp*!)
xoxo,
gee
| march 8 |
|
my dearest hando,
I wander through
half the day
with my fly
halfway down,
contemplating the meaning
of the empty salsa jar in my freezer
amigo loco,
I believe
you have something to do with this, no...?
si...
te amo,
chico
xoxo,
gee
| march 7 |
|
This morning . . .
I laid down to die.
I don't think I realized, at first, that I was laying down to die... I'm not even sure when it hit me... I'm not sure
that it has, even now, really... I wrote this afterwards -- sent it in an email to someone dear to me...
"I laid down there on the couch, in the living room, looking out the window into the driveway... then suddenly, this
weight just descended upon me... one second it wasn't there, the next second it was... like, in one heartbeat... and immediately
my whole body felt like lead... a paralyzing heaviness like I've never known before... my eyes... my head... I closed my eyes
and heard this loud (deafening!) buzzing and crunching all around my head... and then I think I must have fallen asleep for
a moment... but I was immediately jolted awake by the sound of a door opening... only, I couldn't move... then, I swear to
god, I could hear what sounded like all of the doors in my house opening and closing (and there is a door in every single
doorway in every single room) It was crazy shit... and I was laying there, as if I were dead... I couldn't move a muscle...
although I was trying to... in fact, I could feel my arms and legs moving, but my eyes were wide open and I could SEE that
I CLEARLY was NOT moving at all... yet my body still felt so heavy heavy heavy... and it was taking superhuman effort for
me to move my arms, my legs, yet they still remained motionless... and I was looking out through a fog, into the room, trying
to see what was happening around me... but I was awake... I was AWAKE... and the sound of the doors and then this extraordinarily
loud buzzing and crunching... it filled my head... and to the right of my head I felt this warmth, this light... only I couldn't
turn my head to look at it, no matter how hard I tried... just my eyes, straining my eyes to see it... and it just hovered
there... and then it lifted me, the way you'd lift a child... as with an arm underneath the neck and an arm underneath the
knees... and it lifted me up... right off the couch... and my chest was raised up yet my head was tilted back, and I couldn't
tip it up, lift my head, lift a finger... nothing... I don't even think I was breathing... it was as if this thing, this light,
was
going to carry my lifeless body away... but it just held me there... suspended... and then there was this enormous pressure
at the base of my skull... and it just kept building... growing stronger... and the doors kept slamming and opening... and
the buzzing and humming and crunching grew louder and louder... and then I just closed my eyes... and slowly, gradually, I
began to feel the couch under me again... and I was so disoriented, as if I had just stepped off a roller coaster at six flags...
nauseous and confused... yet still immobilized... and I just laid there, trembling, crying, wondering what had just happened...
realizing how little I know about anything, about everything... about life... about death... and I wondered what it all meant...
yet somehow, I knew what it all meant... and I wondered for a moment if I had actually went and died but just didn't know
it yet... and so I knocked on the window sill next to me, and I felt the wood there, and I knew that I was still here, still
alive... and all I could do was cry..."
xoxo,
gee
| march 6 |
|
"I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy,
snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty,
oily, greasy, fleecy, shining,
gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen,
knotted, polka dotted,
twisted, beaded, braided,
powered, flowered and confettied,
bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied!"
(lyrics from "Hair")
xoxo,
gee
| march 5 |
|
to life,
to chaos
the tiny whispers of light
and color
lift the veil, illuminate
your illusion
for a moment,
you cannot distract me
for
a
moment
for
a
moment
you snap your fingers, and
fear becomes
the ruse,
time becomes
the thief, and once again, my attention
becomes yours
is there meaning,
a purpose to your
wily subterfuge?
something more
than simply distracting me...?
something more
than having me, momentarily
believeing in you...?
why am I
carried away so often
through your artful deception
when the lights and colors, invisible,
are so much more vibrant?
xoxo,
gee
| march 4 |
|
into the darkness,
I call out your name, my trembling
body summoning
the shadows, my voyeurs...
may they find you
before morning drifts in, kiss
your closed, sleeping eyes, and
whisper softly
across your pillow,
sending you one more dream
of me, dreaming of you...
breathless and dazed, and
intoxicated
with this crazy,
crazy love...
xoxo,
gee
| march 3 |
|
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me
and through me. And when it has gone past
I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain." ( - Frank Herbert, Dune)
xoxo,
gee
| march 2 |
|
I
miss
you
deeply
tonight,
with tears...
xoxo,
gee
| march 1 |
|
again and again,
I wake
from a dream
I cannot remember
I pull the blanket close
and listen
to the morning, rising
the silence haunts me
somehow, it reminds me
of all that has been
forgotten...
xoxo,
gee
|
