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april 2005

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for chance...

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happy fucking april

april 30
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serenity and joy,
sorrow and grief,
these are my constant companions

...but there are moments when
the beauty of all that surrounds me
steals my breath,
brings a tear to my eye,
a smile to my face,
and instantly,
everything pales in comparison
and

f
a
d
e
s

serenity...
joy...
sorrow...
grief...
me.

xoxo,
gee

april 29
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last night,
I had a dream
about you...

I was walking, alone... in the darkness... outside...
I was warm and felt so safe, so calm, so at peace with everything... and I was looking down as I walked, watching my own footsteps, noticing my shadow, listening to the sound of my own breathing...
and then, suddenly, you were there... right in front of me... directly in the middle of my path... and I knew that I could somehow pass right through you if I wanted to... I could simply keep walking and not look back...
but I chose, instead, to stop... and you grinned at me... and I said, "whaaaat?", grinning back at you... then you stepped toward me and wrapped your arms around me... and I heard you sigh... and at that moment, I felt so light... and even though I was trembling, it felt as if I were melting... and I hugged you back, in a way that I haven't hugged anyone in a long, long time...
and I brushed my lips against your neck and you pulled me closer, tighter...
and it felt so beautiful,
as if I fit there,
right there,
next to your body,
in your arms...

xoxo,
gee

april 28
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at first,
I did not intend to go away

but I did

and when I was away,
I did not intend to stay away for very long

but I did

and when I was able to come back,
I didn't, because I couldn't

I was able,
but not quite ready...

and now,
I realize that I don't have
a motherfucking clue whether or not
I am ready or able or anything else...

right now, all I know is that
I simply miss you all,
miss this,
miss it all, terribly

so...

ready
or not,
here
I am

loving you, loving you all... dearly...

xoxo,
gee


april 26
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bliss:

* a warm, spring-break breeze
* puffy white clouds crossing the brilliant blue
* peek-a-boo sunshine
* a wide open window
* my favorite author resting in my hands,
across my chest, on my lap, over my eyes

these
are the things most appreciated
by me

xoxo,
gee


april 25
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when I see
the ones I love the most
being punished,
paying the price for my errors, made
long long ago,
my heart breaks
and
I
begin
to
die
a
little
more
inside

xoxo,
gee

april 23
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disconnected
detached

no reaction
no response

(...from me?)

wait,
look again...

anything...?

anything...?

yes, I thought so...

it may not look familiar to you
but it's there...
barely there, yes... and
out of balance, always
out of balance

perpetually imbalanced,
me,
you,
all of it...

why are you exhausting yourself,
searching so hard?

just open your eyes, my friend,
and see...

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,
while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
(~Lao Tzu~)

xoxo,
gee

april 22
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"I'll stop by sometime..."
he said.

"I hope so..."
I said.

xoxo,
gee

april 21
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music . . .

listening to you,
learning from you,
playing with you,
singing with you,
creating with you, and
laughing because of you... often

music . . .

you are my love,
a precious lover of mine

music . . .

please hold me close
today,
tonight

your sweet echoes will
ripple and wrap around me,
resonate within me, fill my soul
long into my dark and silent evening

and together, we will softly hum
a tune, beautiful and familiar,
until the sun brushes across my pillow
and warms my hair...

xoxo,
gee

april 20
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while I dream...

please,
don't wake me...

please,
don't worry...

you say,
I'm afraid of losing you... your love for me...

I say,
I love you... always... all ways... no matter where I am...

you say,
I'm afraid that you may become lost... do you fear this, too?

I say,
how can I fear losing my way with stars in my soul, guiding me?

xoxo,
gee

"Those who dream by day
are cognizant of many things which escape those
who dream only by night."

(~Edgar Allan Poe~)

april 19
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I took a walk today . . .

my usual companions -- a slight grin
and the twinkle in my eyes

thinking...

how beautiful,
how bizarre
this world is

thinking...

how I have never felt at home here
among the beautiful,
the bizarre, or
the infinite spaces between
and beyond

thinking...

how lovely,
how lonely

wondering,

am I a loner
by choice, or
by chance?

realizing...

"yes!"

xoxo,
gee

april 18
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why...
this?

why...
this way?

"I should not talk so much about myself
if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.
Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience."

(~ from "Walden", Henry David Thoreau ~)

xoxo,
gee

april 17
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*tag*

you're "it"

catch me,
if you can...

xoxo,
gee

april 16
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no yesterday
no tomorrow

this
is it

all there is
all we have

this
moment

right (the-fuck) now

beautiful,
isn't it?

(feel free to sing along
with manson and me...)

"Babble babble bitch bitch
Rebel rebel party party
Sex sex sex and don't forget the "violence"
Blah blah blah got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely
Stick your STUPID SLOGAN in:
Everybody sing along."

(lyrics, "This is the New Shit"
by marilyn manson)

xoxo,
gee

april 13
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every morning
I wake and stretch
and wonder,
could my body
ache for your touch
any more than this...?

xoxo,
gee

april 12
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here I am

wishing I was there,
in your crazy-ass town,
far from here,
this crazy-ass village

I know, I know

no matter where you go
(...yadda yadda yadda...)
it's all the same

the story
remains the same

you can't run from it,
I've always said

whatever you run from, you run into,
I've always said

to make it all better,
to fix it, to move beyond it,
you gotta stay and face it,
look at it,
deal with it,
head-on,
in the brightest bright sunlight

such a wise woman,
I am

wise-ass woman,
that's me

so here I am

in the village

same story,
same drama,
same ludicrous farce,
same motherfucking twisted comedy

the kind where you feel a little strange,
maybe even
a little bit bad, or
a little bit guilty
about laughing out loud at it all

and you don't just giggle... you laugh
so hard
your sides hurt,
so hard
you practically bust a gut

but what really sucks, more than this,
is that it feels even worse
to stifle the laughter

and that's when
you really begin to cry

ahhh, my familiar, sweet fucking life

funny
funny
fucking
funny

truth is, though, I do love my life.

still.

regardless.

in spite of.

because of.

go ahead,
call me silly
call me a masochist
call me stupid

I'm most likely a little of all of this

stupid
&
wise

hey, at least I'm well rounded

I know there are certain things that will remain
as they are, no matter where I am

but something about being near you,
close to you,
closer to you than this,
closer to you than ever,
makes me believe, just for a moment,
that my life, my comedy - the one that isn't very
funny at all right now - will feel
a little better,
a little lighter,
even if for just one moment,
just one breath,
with your arms wrapped around me

something about you
soothes me

I can only wonder...
hope...
believe...
that maybe, just maybe,
something about me
soothes something for you, too

for all that you've done
for me,
it's the least I can do
for you

xoxo,
gee

april 11
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" The treasure I have found cannot be described in words,
the mind cannot conceive of it.
My mind fell like a hailstorm
into that vast expanse of Consciousness.
Touching one drop of it
I melted away and became one with the Absolute.
And now, though I return to human consciousness,
I see nothing, I hear nothing.
I know that nothing is different from me."
(~shankaracharya~)

xoxo,
gee

april 10
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within me, there is a place . . . 

where sweetness gathers,
unites with passion and playfulness,
blends with sincerity and silliness,
mixes with generosity and appreciation,
bubbles with desire and innocence,
free of restrictions, expectations, and conditions

because of you,
this place exists

from this place,
my love for you flows

xoxo,
gee

april 9
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" the spirit in thee is a river.
it's sacred bathing place is contemplation;
it's waters are truth;
it's banks are holiness;
it's waves are love.
go to that river for purification:
thy soul cannot be made pure by mere water."
( ~hitopadesa, sanskrit book of stories~ )

xoxo,
gee

april 8
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I have been
the first to be chosen
for a team

I have also been
the last one standing
along the wall

I have risen
from the ashes

I have fallen
from great heights

how strange,
how similar
the feeling is

of the moment,
of the experience

my soul, whether leaping
or aching,
seems to be
doing nothing more than
simply acknowledging, embracing
this amazing experience
called life

xoxo,
gee

april 7
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I just can't seem to find the words...
I wonder
if they even exist

maybe that is why I am
at a loss for them...

if I could,
I would choose letters,
most radiant, and
I would form words of golden light,
most sincere, and
I would wrap them up in
hopes and dreams, and
deliver them to you,
with a warm smile and a hug,
just so you would know
how deeply moved I am
by
your words,
by
you

I believe they would sound
something like...

"thank you"

xoxo,
gee

april 6
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did you even notice...?

today,
while we were talking,
you went from being your wonderful
tight-tied, post-middle-age-ish
mr-laa-dee-dah-fancy-prancy-pants
lovely-lovely-self

(*cue the music... humming now, the
witch-pedaling-the bicycle tune
from the wizard of oz...*)

writing speeches
writing speeches
writing speeches
writing speeches

to a giddy-coughing-wheezing,
hormonally over-charged crush
that I swear I once knew, who useta
chase me around the school yard
and try to stick his nose into my armpits
while I was swinging

you did

you
really
did

when we hung up,
I think you were twelve

xoxo,
gee


april 5
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dusk

wandering
and roaming,
photographing brick walls
and neon signs

you waved
from your jeep, saying
take one of me!

and so,
I did

and then you said,
I'm a fan!

and I smiled,
just as you added,
you have beautiful hair!

and I thanked you

and you
drove on

and I
walked on, thinking
how sweet it was
that you took the time
to stop and say

s
o
m
e
t
h
i
n
g

xoxo,
gee

april 04
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a little light-hearted,
a little light-headed,
and a great big grin...

nothing
has changed, yet
nothing
is the same

ahhh, life...
it's just so
fucking hilarious

xoxo,
gee



april 3
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heal my body
as it aches,
warm my heart
as it breaks

dear goddess, please
come wrap me in your love
and carry me
away
from all of
my mistakes...

xoxo,
gee

april 02
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this is
the way it grows...

lately, a little more strawberry
and a little less blonde

xoxo,
gee

april 1
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hando,
you are
the only medicine
I want or need.
you don't have the remedy...
you are
the remedy.

chico

xoxo,
gee

all art, photos, and writing displayed on this site
are original creations
by me, gee cobain
(unless otherwise noted)

~ all rights reserved ~

*thankyouverymuch*

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