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august 2005

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happyfuckingaugust.jpeg
happy fucking august

august 31
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there is so much to living.

the simple act of
simplyfuckingliving...
sometimes there is nothing simple about it.

truth is, I become lost.
lost... in the battles.

I do my best to navigate using
the resources, the knowledge, and the skills
I have acquired, yet still
I become lost
and unraveled and confused...

and at times,
I can't find my way...

there are those pockets of air,
where the battles ease up,
when not much is jumping up and down
in front of me,
demanding my attention.
but then, other times
the shit hits the fan
and I am, again, overwhelmed by everything,
and I am left standing alone,
knee deep and covered
in crap
and crying out to my god...

for help,
for direction,
for strength,
for some shred of dignity.

here, sometimes it seems
all is lost.

including me.

xoxo,
gee

august 30
shadowofme.jpeg

who
is
this
woman?

sometimes,
I
honestly
have
no
idea.

"...but I'm near the end and
I just ain't got the time
and I'm wasted and
I can't find my way home..."

(I can't find my way home, blind faith)

xoxo,
gee

august 29
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( * yay!!! * yippee!!! * )

happy birthday, buddy!!!

( * huuuuuuuuug! * )

august 27
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*shhh*

(*whisper*) look... see this?

this is my oasis...
(one of them, anyway)

one of my favorite places

to
sit
and
be

nobody knows...

*shhh*

xoxo,
gee

august 26
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there is a feeling
I get...
a sweet feeling...
and it descends upon me now,
just when I need it the most

when it comes,
I pull it it close,
I wrap myself in it, and
cherish it

when it comes,
I sigh, and
breathe easier, and
let the tears fall

it feels
just like a hug...

a hug from you

reassuring
and accepting
and fully present...

warm
and loving
and genuine

more real than the reality
my eyes perceive

from beyond my ordinary senses
comes the extraordinary...
a tender embrace
from out of the nothingness...
light as air,
yet larger than life

it's as if you have sent it to me,
out-over-around-through all of time and space
and somehow,
it magically zings itself around
to find me,
wherever I may be roaming,
and it drifts over me
like loving, secure, warm, folded arms

over my shoulders,
across my back,
around my hips

and suddenly,
thankfully,
I am not alone
anymore

how could I possibly feel alone
when my sweetest friend
is holding me...?

xoxo,
gee

august 25
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I had a dream about you last night --
I said "I love you"...

you said,
"don't say that unless you mean it, gee"

so, I looked right at you,
into your eyes and said, "I love you"

and you grinned at me and said,
"silly girl"...
 
yes,
that's me...

a silly girl,
lovin' you

xoxo,
gee

august 24
stranger.jpeg

it
is
so
quiet
here...

makes me think of,
reminds me of...

love

love
love
love

real love

I feel
it's presence
as deeply and undeniably as
it's absence

I wander
and pray
that the silence
will carry me home

xoxo,
gee

august 23
thebunny.jpeg

from my t-shirt,
happy bunny speaks to me

happy bunny reminds me,
"shut the fuck up, gee."

I *heart* happy bunny

xoxo,
gee

august 22
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"how do you do what you do?"
you ask

(* hmmm *)

do you know,
in some way, I hope
I will never be able to answer that question.

(* smile *)

I simply don't know.

well,
not in the
intellectual, reasonable,
'let's-figure-things-out',
'it's-all-about-the mind' kind of way

(* let go let go let go *)

I let go.

of my sense of
reason,
doubt,
hope,
intellect,
judgement,
expectation,
propriety,
politics,
protocul...

I simply step - or stumble upon -
a path,
a road,
a sacred way

and here, as I step,
I strip it down and abandon everything,
including my
self

it
is
how
I
return
to
me

xoxo,
gee

august 21
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today,
and each day, present and passing,
I find myself warmed and comforted
by your presence,
invisible yet immediate,
and I flash a schoolgirl grin
to the you I feel
all around me
and I breathe a little easier
soothed by your laughter, echoing through
the senses I simply cannot name
 
ohhh, thank you
for
being
you

xoxo,
gee

august 20
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you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.

you
make
me
happy.

fuck, yeah.

xoxo,
gee

august 19
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"rump shakin both wayz
make u do a double take
plan rocka show stopa
flo froppa head knocka
beat stalla tail droppa
do ma thang muthafukas..."

(from "lose control", missy elliott)

(hell yeah, misdemeanors in tha house...)

mmm...

xoxo,
gee

august 17
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tonight...

playing, singing
"outside" by staind...
in my bedroom,
by candlelight

"and you
bring me to my knees

again

all the times
that I could beg you please

in vain

all the times
that I felt insecure

for you

and I leave
my burdens at the door

but I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
see your true colors
'cause inside you're ugly
you're ugly like me
I can see through you
see to the real you..."

xoxo,
gee

august 16
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back soon,
with updates...
promise.
 
love you...
 
xoxo,
gee

august 15
yours.jpeg

this pounding in my chest
is deafening...

do you hear it?

how can you
not?

it's for you...

it's all yours.

xoxo,
gee

august 14
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(*...silence...*)

I am quiet,
yes

not because there is nothing left to say to you

I am quiet,
knowing that you already know
what I'm thinking...

mmmm...

ohhh,
how I love this thing that we do

xoxo,
gee

august 13
thinking.jpeg

wondering...

will I see you?
will you come?
will you pull me close
and bury your face in my neck
the way I bury mine in yours?
will I leave you as breathless
as you leave me?
will you come?
will you go?

will you come?

xoxo,
gee

august 12
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the ingredients:
1.) two pieces of bazooka
2.) my kids, laughing their their asses off

with these things,
I can blow a bubble
the size of my head.

obviously.

xoxo,
gee

august 11
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try not to be sad for too long
if I depart from here before you...

from this ragged, rugged terrain,
forever lost and found within the hills and valleys
of one lifetime,
I have witnessed
a
most
perfect
sunset

xoxo,
gee

august 10
sickness.jpeg

maybe you, my friend, would handle it differently
if you were the one
dealing with, living with this

you would probably have more dignity and grace
than I do

you would most likely face it more heroically
than me

you would have courage and strength, where I am
fearful and weak

I pray, however, that we will never know

I would not wish this upon you,
not upon anyone...

this...
this thing...
this illness, this nightmare
that has become
my own prison,
my own living hell

I am given a gift - pockets of air...
where I feel good, great, on top, focused, energized, liberated...
never fully free, I know...
I have become one of the walking wounded,
forever scarred with
the constant reminders of where I have been,
what this has done,
how very, very real
this all is...

in these pockets of air,
I breathe...
I enjoy the simple things, I embrace the ones I love,
I give thanks...

I do these things within it's shadow,
fully aware of it's presence,
however unaware
how swiftly it is approaching,
preparing to strike,
attack,
disable,
destroy,
kill

so quickly, so immediately
it comes

in a heartbeat,
everything can change

I am alert,
I am aware,
I am resistant
yet
I am at it's mercy...

and
helpless

I knock on every door,
overturn every stone, I pray and beg
for help as it feasts on
my mind,
my body,
my senses,
my spirit,
my will...

eating right through
to the core of me

inside out,
outside in,
inside out,
outside in

and so,
I cry

at first,
I cry,
"please... no..."

then I cry out
in pain

then I cry
"please... help me..."

then I cry
from exhaustion

I am momentarily defeated...

and so,
the weight of devastation pulls me under and
I surrender,
I retreat,
go away,
disappear,
crawl under the porch,
and curl up in the familiar hole-fit-for-one
that I have been digging there
for so long

those who love me
become hurt, confused, angry, sad, disappointed,
and frustrated
when I close the door, when I won't let them in

I am hurting,
however seeing their hurt
and knowing I am responsible
becomes
too much to bear,
on top of everything else

and so,
I cry
some more

for them,
for me...

and
I pray

for them.
for me.
for a miracle.

I pray and ask and beg...
and weary,
I dry my eyes
and wait...

one breath

one breath

one breath

another
another
another,
leading to
a life-saving pocket of air...

here,
I see miracles.
here...
in the shadow of death.

fear escapes me,
and I crawl out from underneath
the porch
once more

I face the sunshine
and wipe my eyes
and inhale as many clouds and bright blue sky as my lungs will hold

and I cry out again, giving thanks for
the life-giving air...
fully aware
how one single breath
can carry such enormous power, whether crying out
in joy or in pain

in a heartbeat,
everything can change

yes, my dear friend...
perhaps you would handle this differently

I pray, however,
that we will never know

xoxo,
gee

august 09
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my sweet earth,
these things I ask for...

room
to wander,
to explore,
to discover,
to run,
to roam,
to play,
to stretch,
to grow...
a place
to rest my sleepy head,
a place
to use my outside voice, and
a warm embrace
to catch me
(every now and then...)

I ask,
and so it is.
blessed be.

xoxo,
gee

august 08
augustsun.jpeg

august sun,
melt me like butter!

reduce me
to a golden puddle
on the pavement!

will they
see me?
step around me?
jump over me?
run through me?
play in me?
drink from me?

it doesn't matter!

soak me up!
take me into you,
one golden drop at a time!
how could anything else matter
as much as this?

xoxo,
gee

august 07
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my love...

come,
give me a push

come,
watch me float

xoxo,
gee

august 06
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is life still beautiful, still radiant
even when it isn't?

when it becomes painful,
and cumbersome
and desperate
and hopeless,,,
is there beauty
within my suffering?
is there radiance
within my moments of despair?

this, I believe, is for me
to decide

xoxo,
gee

august 05
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" to see a man fearless in danger,
untainted by lust,
happy in adversity,
composed in turmoil,
and laughing at all those things
which are either coveted or feared by others --
all men must acknowledge
that this can be nothing else but a beam of divinity
animating a human body."

( ~ seneca ~)

xoxo,
gee

august 04
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in the words of
"the used", in the song
"buried myself alive"...

"I guess it's ok I puked the day away."

enough said.

xoxo,
gee

august 03
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damaged, exhausted, and filthy,
I stand on the welcome mat,
unable to find the door
through my tears and confusion

reaching, searching,
I lose my balance

criss cross
applesauce

I sit, I play a song
to the setting sun

it shimmers and shines and dances
across the river before me,
millions of glistening diamonds of hope
washing away all that is broken in me,
all that is weary in me,
all that is defeated and dying...

here, in this moment,
I am free

here, I am reminded how
the simple things - the simple moments -
bring to me
the greatest joy...

like a warm hug at the door,
where something says,
" there you are! I have missed you!
welcome home"

xoxo,
gee

august 02
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my divine beloved,
with blind faith, I beg you...

pull me close,
hold me tight

return me
to me!

xoxo,
gee

august 01
handful.jpeg

" you're a handful, gee "

I have been called
many things

I believe
this is my favorite

xoxo,
gee

all art, photos, and writing displayed on this site
are original creations
by me, gee cobain
(unless otherwise noted)

~ all rights reserved ~

*thankyouverymuch*

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