so much of my life, lately, is spent wandering through
a thick, smothering fog
I can't see,
can't navigate for shit...
I wander, dizzy...
knocking things over, banging my shins on things
still invisible to me
then, this mist comes...
it rains lightly over me,
washing away a few of the clouds in my head...
I catch my breath for that moment
and wipe my eyes on my sleeve...
and then I see you
each time, every time...
I see you
I just wanted to say
for being there,
for being somewhere close by,
when the fog rolls in...
for being the mist that washes over me...
for being the first thing I see
when I open my eyes again...
these are silly words for something so precious,
but there are no words...
nothing accurate and perfect...
right now, if you would touch me,
if you would rest your head on my chest
for just a moment,
you would hear the words in my heartbeat...
and you would know
how much you mean to me...
you would know how dear this 'thing we do' is to me...
and you would know,
without a doubt, that
I love you.
just be still... and listen...
can you hear it?
(and I refuse to grow up.)
"what's up. I'm a cat. any questions?
talk to the paw."
I wish I could say
that everything is ok --
that everything is going to be ok...
I wish I could say that and know that and believe that...
but, today, I know nothing.
the way they are,
whether they are ok or not.
that's about all I know about anything.
so, in the meantime, baby,
hold me awhile...
and kindly brush your kisses here
"people are strange..."
(~ jim morrison, the doors ~)
(waiting room, at the dentist...)
" what the heck...!
don't tell me that was a drill..."
construction guys... outside.
"holy crap! construction?"
"no honey. drill."
to the jetty
to the jetty,
I end up thinking...
I certainly don't go there
with the intention,
I don't think
come to me,
from out of nowhere...
like the tide
over me, then
on the edge
of something so enormous,
I am nothing
in the palm of the hand
of something beyond the mind,
I will never fully comprehend,
I will never completely understand
I am tiny, I am small
I am humble
with my thoughts
from out of nowhere
I am just a little girl
in a great, big world, perched
on the edge of an enormous sea, wide-eyed
to be swallowed whole
by this overwhelming experience
ohhh, I embrace what I can,
so much of this -- the game, the silliness --
is not for me
I don't know
how to play
I can't remember
I don't follow
I don't fit in
I don't belong
I don't have a place
I don't have a home
and that, my dear,
I can't find my way...
do you see?
I can't find my way
because this world is not
not for me
I am a little girl,
I thought I wanted
I thought I wanted
to find my way...
I thought I wanted
to go home...
now I see,
thanks to the sea,
that there is no such thing
not for me
"... only when the sun of love
melts the scattered stars of thought,
only when we live above
what the dim-eyed world hath taught
only when our souls are fed
by the fount which gave them birth,
and by inspiration led
which they never drew from earth
we, like parted drops of rain,
swelling till they meet and run,
shall be absorbed again,
melting, flowing into one"
(from "thought" by christopher pearse cranch)
"the goddess is alive and magic is afoot!"
how she tickles me
with waking dreams exploding with psychedelic color and euphoric squeals of delight!
her laughter, the melody dancing on air
between sips of ayahausca tea
beneath her brazilian full moon!
(* smile *)
the day will come,
the time will be right,
I will be ready
and I will go to her...
can you say
I think you can.
today, I realized something.
'round and 'round
all of us
in the universe,
doing that funky cosmic dance
I brush the jagged pebbles
from my knees
how did despair
become my dancing partner?
you can find this in my backpack...
everywhere I go
happy birthday, punkin'!
my reasonable, protective side
sits me down and
step back, keep your distance...
don't go there...
you're setting yourself up
for another fall..."
I hear, but
do I listen...?
don't get too close"
over and over,
I nod, reciting the mantra
my heavy heartbeat
becomes as light as laughter
and I smile,
something reminded me of the elephant today...
no, it wasn't a cute, powdery fresh, snuggly-cuddly elephant, by any means
it was a humoungous, saggy-baggy,
stinking like low tide
(on a muggy afternoon)
the * grunting-snorting * never-discussed * very-well-ignored * mammoth-of-a-thing *
kneeling on the carpet,
there, in the middle of the living room
and ya know, I really did believe that I was pretty darn good at ignoring the smelly beast...
that is, until that time it actually occurred to me that everybody in the room was pretty good at this prentending-not-to-notice
which made me wonder,
"do they see it, too? or am I nuts?"
so, I stepped back and really looked at it...
I saw it.
I mean, I really saw it!
and I said, "holy shit!"
realizing, admitting, confirming
(to myself, anyway)
that there was, in fact, a huge, smelly beast sitting right-smack in the way
I began to make some noise...
a tap on the shoulder, a poke in the ribs,
"wow! look at that thing!"
many in the room chose to ignore me; some shook their heads at me with a *tsk tsk* and told me to hush up; a few rolled
their eyes and decleared that I must have done something to deserve it; some tried to tell me that periwinkle elephants plop
it down in your livingroom only when you don't go to church; others wondered out loud if I was dropped on my head as a child.
but then, you stepped out and away
from the rest, surprising me with,
"hey. I was dropped, too.
and (do you remember...?) we just sort of looked at each other for awhile...
then you said,
"so, tell me...
what the fuck is that thing doing in front of the sofa, anyway?"
I shrugged my shoulders. and
we took a closer look,
and with the two of us looking at it,
it suddenly didn't look so big.
and it didn't seem so smelly.
we talked about it.
and we looked again.
and we even tried to understand it.
and together, we came to realize that we really didn't understand it at all...
and we found a certain warm-and-squishy comfort in the simple understanding that we
simply did not understand.
and that's when the mammoth shifted a bit, and cast a whole different shadow across the wall...
and we tiptoed over to the sofa
where you bent down, picking up a funny-fuzzy piece of airy fluff from the floor
and you said,
"ha! it was just a stupid dust bunny!"
and we both laughed.
and, right then, something huge,
something awkward and heavy,
and rooted deep within us
had shifted, as well...
and you took my hand in yours
and said, "let's go" and then
stepping and skipping, leaping and tripping
around the mountains
I'm in shock.
I swear I am.
yet, I'm walking and talking and dealing with everyday life and kids and adults and pain and uncertainty and questionsquestionsquestions
and changes of plans imposed upon us all by this lovely universe...
and it all sort-of looks the same...
I'm in shock.
it's here. in my face.
like the friend who shows up unannounced, at your front door, at the perfectly wrong time... and you wonder if they somehow
knew that the timing was perfectly wrong and if, perhaps, that is exactly why they waited until now to show up at your door...
I glance over my shoulder into the dining room from the front doorway,
realizing that I need to set another place...
to make room at the table for "shock"...
which will sit uncomfortably next to "sadness"...
sitting uneasily next to "hopelessness"...
with "quiet desperation" hiding underneath...
and perched at the head of the table,
a very pitiful "what the FUCK do we do NOW?"
into my solitude, I go...
with my camera and journal,
my constant companions
it's what I do
inside, it becomes...
coming and coming and coming and coming
and, like a crazy-girl, I
shoot and write and shoot and write and shoot and write
that voice beyond sound,
it fills me,
every microscopic inch of me...
and I listen...
listen and follow and listen and listen and follow,
ohh, like a crazy-girl, I do...
I drink tap water
from the good glasses.
you see, this is it, babe.
ordinary life -- the extraordinary occasion
we often spend our enitre lives
it feels like...
(* yawn *)
I must have I dozed off during the movie.
only, now that I am awake,
I hardly recognize anything at all
about the damn film.
nothing is familiar.
I sit awkwardly in the same horribly uncomfortable seat, now with a cramp in my back,
rubbing my eyes, wondering
what I missed,
how I missed so much,
why is the sun going down,
how the fuck did my jeans get so torn up,
and is this still the same goddamn movie
(* sigh * )