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november 2005

home
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for chance...

happy fucking november
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november 26
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progresso...
always on the
" gee-list"!
( aka: my favorite things!)

I've never tasted one I didn't love

today's pick:
minestrone, baby!

xoxo,
gee

november 24
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what am I thankful for...?

my family,
my friends,
my crushes,
my loves,
my camera,
my guitar,
and
you...

happy thanksgiving, everyone!

xoxo,
gee

november 19
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there once was a man
who managed an apartment complex
at the foot of the rocky mountains

he put on a phony smile
and asked us
if we liked to play games

we all said, "yes!"

he asked if we liked money

we all said, (louder this time), "yes!"

he asked us to
bring him a cat

we all shouted, "OK!"

with promises of one dollar for each cat delivered,
we scrambled to play this game,
his game
of finding, capturing, and delivering
to him the stray cats
wandering the property

I was never very good at games

my friends, however, were immediately successful,
cat-hunting

they were running everywhere
as eager kids often do,
excited simply to be playing
a game...
excited, but with a strange intensity...
one that comes, perhaps,
when real treasure is at stake

from the shadows, I observed,
watching my friends
run, one by one - cat after cat,
through the open doorway
to the building's office,
disappearing from view...
then emerging, shoving their little fists into
blue jeans pockets,
arms full of fur becoming fists full of cash

innocent laughter
bounced around
from building to building, as
I stood alone in the night,
wondering what we were doing...
what was it all for...?

until,
I saw a cat

I cornered him near a dumpster after
an uneventful chase across the parking lot.
on my knees, I put my hand out,
calling softly to him...
"pssssspssss..."

he lowered his head, allowed me to pat him...
then he purred

I scooped him up -- my treasure --
folded my arms around him
and ran toward the light of the manager's office

inside,
I was alone
with the man,
with my cat

immediately,
he glared at me.
"only one?", he grumbled

"one..." I said,
still holding tight to my purring treasure

he reached a large, calloused hand toward me and
grabbed my cat by the neck.
he yanked him from my arms...
my cat - his claws
hanging on to my sweater, to me

the man shouted something harsh
and snapped the cotton sweater threads with a slice of his hand

he walked to the back of the room,
my cat hanging by his neck
from the man's hand...
legs, scrambling... reaching... scratching... clawing

there, he lifted up the top of a trash can...
and dropped my cat inside

he quickly slammed the cover back on, and
punched it once, and turned,
pulling his wallet
out of his pocket

in one step, he towered over me,
one green flimsy piece of paper between us,
sandwiched between two enormous fingers.

"take it, little girl." he said. "you earned it."

I stood there, shaking...
looking beyond him.
looking beyond the one dollar bill.
looking to the trash can at the back of the room.

" I don't want it..." I was finally able to whisper.
"I want my cat back."

" can't do that," he said. "a deal's a deal."

I was trembling then,
my jaw quivering so hard, I could hardly speak
the words
" but I didn't know...."

I turned and ran home
desperately trying to find my way,
through the darkness,
through my tears
with my heart pounding,
breaking...

for the cat,
for all the cats.
for what I had done,
for what we all had done

for a dollar.

I was nine years old.

when I was nine, I knew a man
who managed an apartment complex
at the foot of the rocky mountains

he played a game with cats,
with people,
with human hearts

in spite of pleas and tears,
he killed the cats

and the cats
buried him
alive

xoxo,
gee

november 18
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at night, I go to bed
and in the morning I wake
thinking of you, too.

just wanted you to know that.

xoxo,
gee

november 17
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years ago,
I met a woman -- an intuitive - who looked
into my eyes and said,
"you are a star child"

today,
I met a man - a shaman - who echoed
the woman who looked into my eyes

I remember.
I forget.
I remember.
I forget.

I cry to the setting sun,
"forgive me
for forgetting.
thank you
for remembering."

xoxo,
gee

november 16
wrinkles.jpeg

wrinkles.

I am flawed and imperfect.
but I like me that way.

* * * * *

today, on the phone...

me - do you know, there once was a time when
I would wait until my kids were at their father's place
and then I'd go do all the grocery shopping at
ridiculous hours -- like 10:30pm, just before the store
closed... or 6am, just as they opened.

him - why..? tell me...

me -- because I was not well. I was not ok.
the store was always a place where I'd see people
I knew... people who would stop and say "hello"
and ask me, "so, how are you?"
and I'd swallow hard and choke back the tears
and say, "ok. I'm ok. things are ok."
but the truth was, things were not ok! definitely not-ok!
I found it impossible to say I was fine,
and equally impossible to say the truth out-loud...
so I avoided social situations completely
for a long, long time.

him - isn't it interesting, the things we do to maintain our sanity.

me - god-yes. often times, these appear to be the most insane things of all.

him - well said.

xoxo,
gee

november 15
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"this is the way I pray . . ."
 
( the text, pictured ~ the sufi poet, rumi )
( the lyrics, quoted ~ the band, disturbed )

" burn me alive inside..."

xoxo,
gee

november 14
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this
is how it feels
to be "with you" --

just-so-fucking-comfortable-it's-not-even-funny.

xoxo,
gee

november 14
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n
e
v
e
r
m
i
n
d

xoxo,
gee

november 13
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h*a*p*p*y b*i*r*t*h*d*a*y c*h*a*n*c*e !

baudelaire
rimbaud
valery
goethe
cummings
kerouac
thompson


then
came
you

happy birthday, sweetie...
(from one twisted motherfucker to another!)

xoxo,
gee


" I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by it's tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. "

(~ charles baudelaire ~)

november 12
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when I am gone from here...
when this body
lays beneath you, six feet underground
please... please...
I invite you, I welcome you
to come and do a handstand
on my grave

(be sure to take a picture, too... )

xoxo,
gee

november 11
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" don't make me beg "

( not that there's anything wrong with that...)

xoxo,
gee

november 10
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" stop this ride!
I wanna get off! "

( when did the rollercoaster turn
into a merry-go-round...?)

it was fun...

but I'm
all
done.

xoxo,
gee

november 09
blacksocks.jpeg

it's official.
I have to move.

move out,
move on,

I have...

... less than one month
to say goodbye
to my favorite hallway, to the amazing window above,
with a light as soft as a breeze,
impulsively inspiring -- beckoning! -- me
to pause
and stand
for a moment
and create something -- anything! -- there, within
the beautiful frame

... less than one month
to say thank you -- with kisses and touches
and hugs to each and every
curve and crack and corner
of this beautiful, old place --
for the shelter, the safety,
the memories, the love, and the images
this house has blessed me with

... less than one month
before they begin the work to
tear this house down

... less than one month
to say farewell
to my home

xoxo,
gee

november 08
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" sometimes I wonder, sweetest love, 
if you were a mere dream in a long winter night,
a dream of spring-days, and of golden light
which sheds its rays upon a frozen heart;
a dream of wine that fills the drunken eye.

and so I wonder, sweetest love, if I
should drink this ruby wine, or rather weep;
each tear a bezel with your face engraved,
a rosary to memorize your name...

there are so many ways to call you back-
yes, even if you only were a dream."

(~ maulana's last letter to shams, rumi ~)

I am in love with rumi.
I am in love with his writing.
I am in love with his soul.
I am in love with his love for his beloved.
ohhh, yes...
I am in love.

xoxo,
gee

november 07
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(*pulling you close...*)

I may not know
how to be with you...

I only know that I want to be.

xoxo,
gee

november 06
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just so you know...

I don't really wanna be
on the other side of the room

xoxo,
gee

november 04
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you reach the corner of your sleeve to
the corner of my mouth,
my tongue
licks the strawberry jelly away
first

(crush.)

I giggle and sing out loud,
pb & j breath...

" you're really
in a laundry room
you're really
in a laundry room ..." *

and
you just look at me...

I swear,
I can see you blushing

(crush.)

like a smartass,
I laugh some more and say,
"ohhh, I'm so fucking cute."

and you grin at me...
"yes."

(crush.)

xoxo,
gee

( * quoted lyrics above, by nirvava -- "sappy")

november 03
confessions.jpeg

ohhh sweet one,
if ever
we are together,
I will run my fingers around
the corners of your smile
and kiss the lines of your warm hand
and memorize your laughter
until I can taste you
in my sleep...

xoxo,
gee

november 02
submission.jpeg

"down, gee."

(*as you wish*)

down.
down.
down.

lower.
lower.
lower.

(*silence*)

"look up at me."

(*silence*)

"ahhh,
there's my girl."

xoxo,
gee

all art, photos, and writing displayed on this site
are original creations
by me, gee cobain
(unless otherwise noted)

~ all rights reserved ~

*thankyouverymuch*

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